lONE wORLD - written after my SAC)

[rdfreak]

OK so I've been sick, So What?
Why do I feel alone in this world?
Is it because I've been in isolation for so long?
I haven't been out for a whole week.
So I venture out this morning. I decide walking to the station is probably still a bit much to expect from myself, so I cruise down to the bus stop.
I collide with about three people along the short stretch from my driveway to the shelter. "Could they be blind too???"
I sit at the bus shelter, listening to the occasional conversation at the drive-through Mackers directly behind me.
I hear cars and trucks pass me by.
The world hasn't stopped; Everything is going on as usual, yet I feel like I'm the only one here.
I ponder the craziness of my feelings.
A few more people arrive now. They plonk on the seat beside me.
I'm anxious. They haven't noticed me trying to look the part.
The bus pulls up. I follow the crowd on.
I meet my best bud (J).
There are no spare seats near her so I move down the isle a little, where a guy gives me his seat.
The first point at which I am noticed by another human being. But this did not snap me back into reality.
The bus pulls into the station. I follow the crowd off. J chats to the driver.
As Heartly and I approach, he says "oh another one!"
How could I have got on that bus and not been noticed by him?
Do I really exist??????????
Once at the platform J and I spoke. But I was only there to keep her company. How was she to know how I wasn't feeling.
We got on the train. we conversed; she left.
I was saddened to hear of an ill passenger at parliament station. What if that was me???
I would feel a part of this world at least.
So we continued direct to Flinders street.
I walked to class without being noticed.
I walked to my table without being noticed.
(cough cough - I shouldn't be here).
Teacher came. went up with her to a room in the VCE staffroom to begin my SAC.

Here I am again, all alone once more.
I can do anything I want now. NNo-one will notice.
I don't know how I'm going to answer these questions.
I told you I don't get this.
I screamed it. But does anyone hear me??
Why do I feel so alone in this world??
I always survive somehow, some way.
I cough, just to hear myself make a sound. Oh so maybe I do exist, but do I want too??
I am too far gone; too over it!

(later)

I get back to class. My usual friend who sits next to me is absent today. I am sitting next to this boy; this really smart boy.
We begin the next phaze of the work. But how on earth can I continue when I don't even understand the previous lot.
Politics; never have I understood it, nor will I ever.
That's why I don't get this topic.
But I am too ashamed to speak my ignorance any more.
Tears dwell up in my heart; in my eyes.
I have let this go on far too long; this ignorance.
I must be the dumbest person in the world.
What am I doing here?
What do I want to be doing here?
What have I been put on this earth for?
I've stuffed up my entire schooling.
I can't even get into uni. They don't want me.
Who wants me and why??
oh now how far have I slipped from the class discussion?
Am I beyond caring??

No-one knows how lost I feel.