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what's wrong with me? :(
Nov. 7th, 2003 10:01 pmWell I actually have been very very happy today! I can't describe how happy! despite my History class, Lol! It was the last one which is kinda sad.
Anyway J and I rode the train in, she got off. and I just felt so so so sooo happy. I'm just like not able to get this smile off my face. How new is all that?? I mean yeah to Zoloft too but I think I would have been happy without it today! except of course for feeling the affects of all of a sudden skipping it.
anyway I have been thinking about it lately; how one can still be going through the same old issues but not feeling depressed! I know how it works, but i still can't make sense of it? Why couldn't I just be happy before and deal with my problems and go through them the same as now?? The answer is that all these years I was missing a chemical in my dodgy brain. Anyway I am not a medical expert??!!!
Anyway History class was OK. It was the last one before the exam. Not many showed up but I think the seven or eight of us who did were the wisest! :) We just went over our first area of study. -- "THE COLONIAL EXPERIENCE" IN DETAIL. Also WENT OVER A PRACTICE EXAM WHICH WE HAD BEEN GIVEN, AND i DID PART OF YESTERDAY.
iT WAS ALL A BIT SAD! AT THE END WE'RE ALL, i THINK A bit (woops forgot caps was on sorry :) speechless. five more days!
Anyway I basically came home from there. and have done nothing. but have planned from tomorrow on, will actually study till my little heart is content! No more computer play til my exam is over. then I'll be damn bored for a while! Until we get our results and I'll start panicking again! then will be bored for another while til we get our uni offers, then well. dunno! will worry or triumph then.
Yesterday I spoke to Mum about getting my troopannum upgrade for me for christmas since money I don't have not a lot to play with. So yeah she agreed so I ordered it. and wow, it is the *bestest ever! totally kicks over version 1. It is way way more challenging. It's got such cool sound effects! So far my highest is level 15 on easy baby black hole! I nearly had the last level!
So yeah, no more playing til after my exam then I can go to town! oh much joyness! yeah! :)
Hey I just thought of something then. I am going to email S (friend from class) to ask her for her mobile number so when I finish on wednesday I can call and see where they're at. Cos obviously they'll want to celebrate afterwoods and unlike all the other times, I think I will be socialble and go with them. But of course I will get extra exam time - an hour and a half exact, and I always take the whole time, even if I'm finished it! I sit there and edit typos since I make more as I preferr Jaws not to echo each character unlike most I know. In fact I have it speak nothing when I'm typing so prooff-reading is usually quite essential for me.
Hey I have been listening to my "M" tapes and then my final day of year 12 98 and, wow, am sooo glad I have those tapes for memories - so so much as important to me as photos are to sighties.
Anyway I just feel soooo sad when I listen back to how shy I was. I have changed heaps since then! just heaps! I would of had a much much better time of it if I were able to open up and talk to people more - be as confident and forward as I am now. But then, i know that doesn't make sense, because I couldn't be then what I am now because I was me back then, and I would of had to experience now. man, I'm lost! anyway I realize we all grow and change over the years and of course that was me back then and I can't change that!
OK oh yeah, the reason for my sadness (which seems to have gone now after writing here! It is sooooooo awesome writing in here! lets everything out!)
I have just been catching up on my friends page. well it's been about five so far and am still going, but just felt so mad before when I read![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
neighboursuk community and someone said "could ausies not give away any plots, etc. as I read in a comment??" well, I am not 100% on this, but think I'm the only ausie on there! and I'd already told them that I had no intention of doing so but people ask and I answer them. So friggen oath, between that and that Delta saga (which I am just going to wait to grab its code then delete it and join the other one) I have gotten so mad and worked up! Can not keep everyone happy!
Just because I'm in cyberland doesn't change the way people's comments get to me! I know I'm too sensative. I actually don't know what's got into me as I was going really good for a patch; now it seems i have back-tracked into my old ways again!
But when consecutive things like this happen, I feel I am just creating a fool of myself and that I shouldn't bother writing in these things at all!
Same with email lists. If I've had a disbute with someone, I won't participate for a while, even at all afterwoods. It's not worth it! Why should I get depressed over people attacking me. Well in the case of the comment on neighboursuk before, she was asking not in a mean way but then I just blow things up until I feel its an attack!
Then things like the Delta saga happens, and I have everyone writing to me about the same thing. And some people attack so I bite back (as I never use too. But as I said in my bio (Livejournal userinfo) "I will treat people exactly how they treat me". Then I get the ones who aren't attacking, just nicely informing me but I'm so wound up about the attacks, I can't be rational on the friendly comments, so I get all deffensive and people say things like "get a sense of humour" and stuff which makes it worse! *grrrrr*
OK seriously all that Delta thing is over so I will quit complaining! I have got excellent friends in my life - really have. have got some great ones on LJ who I've met through email lists, etc. and I have made so many new ones thanks to LJ!
OK but back to my happy state of before .. I am happy! my motivation to study and do well is coming back! Have bought a great game and thank God for those "blindie-accessable-games"!!!,
I will will will send in my letter to my unis/TAFEs next week, promise! I have boredum and that (in a good way mostly :) after my exam. then I hopefully will surprise myself with good results. then christmas, then uni offers which I would love if I actually got more than one of and I had to full on reject one!
yeah!
Heartly is on my bed! I discouraged her again, but lately I have got so so so soooo much more love for that dog. She has been absolutely amazing with her work! and she really is such the companion, "my best friend!" as I can hear in my mind people say! Lol!
So when I appreciate her so much and I find her all curled and snuggled up on the corner of my bed, it's sooooo hard to say "no"! call me a freak; that's my LJ name; don't forget it!
TIL NEXT TIME, RdFreak
Anyway J and I rode the train in, she got off. and I just felt so so so sooo happy. I'm just like not able to get this smile off my face. How new is all that?? I mean yeah to Zoloft too but I think I would have been happy without it today! except of course for feeling the affects of all of a sudden skipping it.
anyway I have been thinking about it lately; how one can still be going through the same old issues but not feeling depressed! I know how it works, but i still can't make sense of it? Why couldn't I just be happy before and deal with my problems and go through them the same as now?? The answer is that all these years I was missing a chemical in my dodgy brain. Anyway I am not a medical expert??!!!
Anyway History class was OK. It was the last one before the exam. Not many showed up but I think the seven or eight of us who did were the wisest! :) We just went over our first area of study. -- "THE COLONIAL EXPERIENCE" IN DETAIL. Also WENT OVER A PRACTICE EXAM WHICH WE HAD BEEN GIVEN, AND i DID PART OF YESTERDAY.
iT WAS ALL A BIT SAD! AT THE END WE'RE ALL, i THINK A bit (woops forgot caps was on sorry :) speechless. five more days!
Anyway I basically came home from there. and have done nothing. but have planned from tomorrow on, will actually study till my little heart is content! No more computer play til my exam is over. then I'll be damn bored for a while! Until we get our results and I'll start panicking again! then will be bored for another while til we get our uni offers, then well. dunno! will worry or triumph then.
Yesterday I spoke to Mum about getting my troopannum upgrade for me for christmas since money I don't have not a lot to play with. So yeah she agreed so I ordered it. and wow, it is the *bestest ever! totally kicks over version 1. It is way way more challenging. It's got such cool sound effects! So far my highest is level 15 on easy baby black hole! I nearly had the last level!
So yeah, no more playing til after my exam then I can go to town! oh much joyness! yeah! :)
Hey I just thought of something then. I am going to email S (friend from class) to ask her for her mobile number so when I finish on wednesday I can call and see where they're at. Cos obviously they'll want to celebrate afterwoods and unlike all the other times, I think I will be socialble and go with them. But of course I will get extra exam time - an hour and a half exact, and I always take the whole time, even if I'm finished it! I sit there and edit typos since I make more as I preferr Jaws not to echo each character unlike most I know. In fact I have it speak nothing when I'm typing so prooff-reading is usually quite essential for me.
Hey I have been listening to my "M" tapes and then my final day of year 12 98 and, wow, am sooo glad I have those tapes for memories - so so much as important to me as photos are to sighties.
Anyway I just feel soooo sad when I listen back to how shy I was. I have changed heaps since then! just heaps! I would of had a much much better time of it if I were able to open up and talk to people more - be as confident and forward as I am now. But then, i know that doesn't make sense, because I couldn't be then what I am now because I was me back then, and I would of had to experience now. man, I'm lost! anyway I realize we all grow and change over the years and of course that was me back then and I can't change that!
OK oh yeah, the reason for my sadness (which seems to have gone now after writing here! It is sooooooo awesome writing in here! lets everything out!)
I have just been catching up on my friends page. well it's been about five so far and am still going, but just felt so mad before when I read
neighboursuk community and someone said "could ausies not give away any plots, etc. as I read in a comment??" well, I am not 100% on this, but think I'm the only ausie on there! and I'd already told them that I had no intention of doing so but people ask and I answer them. So friggen oath, between that and that Delta saga (which I am just going to wait to grab its code then delete it and join the other one) I have gotten so mad and worked up! Can not keep everyone happy!Just because I'm in cyberland doesn't change the way people's comments get to me! I know I'm too sensative. I actually don't know what's got into me as I was going really good for a patch; now it seems i have back-tracked into my old ways again!
But when consecutive things like this happen, I feel I am just creating a fool of myself and that I shouldn't bother writing in these things at all!
Same with email lists. If I've had a disbute with someone, I won't participate for a while, even at all afterwoods. It's not worth it! Why should I get depressed over people attacking me. Well in the case of the comment on neighboursuk before, she was asking not in a mean way but then I just blow things up until I feel its an attack!
Then things like the Delta saga happens, and I have everyone writing to me about the same thing. And some people attack so I bite back (as I never use too. But as I said in my bio (Livejournal userinfo) "I will treat people exactly how they treat me". Then I get the ones who aren't attacking, just nicely informing me but I'm so wound up about the attacks, I can't be rational on the friendly comments, so I get all deffensive and people say things like "get a sense of humour" and stuff which makes it worse! *grrrrr*
OK seriously all that Delta thing is over so I will quit complaining! I have got excellent friends in my life - really have. have got some great ones on LJ who I've met through email lists, etc. and I have made so many new ones thanks to LJ!
OK but back to my happy state of before .. I am happy! my motivation to study and do well is coming back! Have bought a great game and thank God for those "blindie-accessable-games"!!!,
I will will will send in my letter to my unis/TAFEs next week, promise! I have boredum and that (in a good way mostly :) after my exam. then I hopefully will surprise myself with good results. then christmas, then uni offers which I would love if I actually got more than one of and I had to full on reject one!
yeah!
Heartly is on my bed! I discouraged her again, but lately I have got so so so soooo much more love for that dog. She has been absolutely amazing with her work! and she really is such the companion, "my best friend!" as I can hear in my mind people say! Lol!
So when I appreciate her so much and I find her all curled and snuggled up on the corner of my bed, it's sooooo hard to say "no"! call me a freak; that's my LJ name; don't forget it!
TIL NEXT TIME, RdFreak
